Biographies Archive

Full Name: Sean Cloudwalker

Species: Human
Age: 23
Gender: Male
Homeworld: Tatooine

Height:5'7"
Weight: 155 lbs.
Skin Tone: lightly tanned
Physical Build: Physically fit for battle, his muscles show through when he wears tight clothing.
Scars/Disfigurements: Scar cross his right cheek.
Eye Color: dark blue
Hair Color: dark brown

Affiliation: None
Occupation: Freelance (for now)
Force Sensitive: Yes, undiscovered (for now)
Possessions: DH-17 blaster rifle ) (1), Vibroblade (1), Lightsaber found in a cave (1), Various sets of clothes, Utility belt

History:
(Sean Cloudwalker was born on the desert on world of Tatooine to his parents Ari and Don Cloudwalker, two wouldbe Jedi had they decided to take on the training but as they did not want attention drawn to them they denied it and settled down on Tatooine to raise Sean in quiet and did not tell anyone where they were going to live.
As the years went by they began to notice Sean's Force ability and were begining to fear that he might draw attention to them, when Sean turned eighteen he went off to Mos Entha Spaceport where he would watch ships fly in and out and hopefully meet someone who could train him in the ways of the Force; it wasn't long before he encountered a black clothed man and approached him, it was not long before the man accepted and began to train him in the basics such as telekinesis amongst other things.
He never told his parents of the man nor the training he was recieving for he knew it would only cause trouble if they knew, another year passed and Sean was impaitent to have his training continue to other things but when he returned to Mos Entha he noticed that the mans ship was gone and yet he had left no note as to when he was returning.
Angry and depressed at this turn of events he returned home and began to pack his clothes up but his parents confronted him before he left the house but did not try and stop him but told him they would be here when he returned, he went out back and uncovered his Porax-38 fighter which he had fixed up from the Junk yard with some help from his father who knew how to fix such things.
Sean flew to Hadooine where he found a lightsaber in cave which needed some work and began to search the cave for other things that might have belonged to a Jedi or Sith, during his search he found a couple crystals and put them in his fighter along with the saber, not finding anything else he took off for Dagobah for he had heard tales of the planet from other people and he also knew that Dagobah would be a good place to find ancient studies but that would not be the only planet.
He decided that in order to find his destiny he would have to go scour the galaxy for one strong in the Force to train him, he searched the ship and found that the man had left him some clothes which were new and a blaster rifle which after examination was found in well worked condition and he knew then that he would not turn back not for anything less important.

A good start, that. If I might make a suggestion or two.

1. You included;



Do just that. The more comprehensive your biography, given that this is a "new" character, the better. This gives other members a better idea of who your character is without requiring long and drawn out PM/Email/IM discussions of the same.

2.

When members come across comments like this we immediatly begin to tremble. Everyone wants the best of all worlds, but a well developed character isn't just a Star Wars Robocop; without explanation (in your biographical submission and in character posts) this leaves the door wide open to abuse.

You have some very good ideas here. Expand on them. It seems like you have some pretty big goals, your writing keeps the community in the loop.

Should I rid of that then? xD

Ok I fixed it, how is that?

Honestly, I think you would be better going with one of his parents, if not both, deciding that it would be best to teach their own son. Perhaps they felt that if he didn't know the 'basics', he might do something stupid in public - and with that in mind, they trained him in secret.

Then, when he started developing too quickly for what they planned to teach him, he felt annoyed and angry, wanting to know more, but having his parents refuse to teach him more advanced techniques. So, wanting to learn more and understand the Force, he rebuilt his ship (or even stole one from the space port) and started searching the galaxy for any hints about Jedi (lets leave the Sith out of it for the moment, since I doubt any real records of them would be around, save for Jedi stories telling of them).




I can understand his finding crystals, but not a lightsaber (even if it's not functioning). You also gave no reason for his looking in the cave. Why did he go there? Was it a random cave where he happened to find these items?

You might want to give a reason - maybe a local told him about strange people visiting the caves or something? Maybe it's a good source of lightsaber crystals and Jedi or Sith visit it, but remain secret about it, and those nearby only see ships coming and going near the caves?

Either way, give it some thought - but leave out the lightsaber. You can make your own when you get some formal training, or join a faction, or some such.



I think you need to decide on a different planet. Dagobah is a hidden world, which is why Yoda managed to hide on it for so long without too much trouble. Only vague references are mentioned in Imperial material, and I would expect that data is confidential and not available to public.

Try another planet, perhaps, or even expand on the Hadooine experience, and have him explore that place more for hints and clues? Sometimes less is more, and I honestly think you could work with Hadooine, more so than Dagobah.

Give it a try and see how it works.



Which ship is this? And why did 'the man' leave him anything? Was this man on Dagobah too? I don't understand this reference to any character. Maybe you should remove it, and go with the above suggestion about Hadooine.

One last thing I might add is spaces between paragraphs.

Looks as though you're getting there, though. Keep up the effort, and hopefully those ideas helped.

Strikes me that you have a lot of good ideas in here.

The thing is, they need to be developed. Which is what Vance seems to be suggesting.

Another idea; even if you don't round everything out in your biography, these story hooks and sub-plots would make for a great round of initial threads in the Battlegrounds.

Either way, without developing the aforementioned hooks and story arcs your character comes off as very two dimensional and shallow.

Good luck (if you're even still around).